JOHN THE BAPTIST TV - Revival, Repentance, Reformation - Andrew Strom, Paul Washer, Ray Comfort, Leonard Ravenhill

John The Baptist TV Forum » GENERAL

What's your favourite Christian joke?

(65 posts) (29 voices)

Started 2 years ago by Peter Lawrence
Latest reply from ValleyAnt

12…4 Next »

Peter Lawrence
Member

I will go first and might add a few later if others want to join in.

Last night I had a vision. In the vision I saw heaven in the clouds and a spiral staircase leading up to this glorious place.

I started to climb the steps. Chalk was in my hand. Somehow the Lord had told me that with the chalk I was to mark a cross on each step where I had committed a sin in my life.

I progressed up the steps. Further and further. Placing a cross with the chalk where I had failed and sinned. Suddenly someone came up behind me. It was Andrew Strom. Andrew was in a hurry to get up the steps and politely asked me to let him through. I let Andrew pass by and heard his footsteps disappear in the distance.

Some time later I heard more footsteps. This time coming down the steps. It was Andrew again, and puzzled I asked Andrew..

Brother, why are you coming down the steps, heaven is up there?

Andrew turned and said to me. I am going down to get more chalk!

Posted 2 years ago #
Louann1486
Inactive

This one is my favorite about a lesson on lying......
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
LorettaAnn

Posted 2 years ago #
Louann1486
Inactive

These are not christian jokes, but they are silly practical jokes-

Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way".

Explain "the little green men" in detail to someone, and when they don't believe you, accuse them of being one in disguise.

Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.

Page yourself over an intercom, but don't disguise your voice.

Plead with the person next to you for the window seat on the plane, and then get up fifteen or twenty times during the course of the flight complaining that you should have taken two spoonsful of "The Pink Stuff".

Run around holding your elbows and asking people to please take the straightjacket off you.

Whenever anyone says something, laugh loudly as if they have just told and extremely funny joke

ATM Jackpot!
When the money comes out of the ATM, scream “I Won! I Won! That's the third time this week!!!”

These are some of my favorites, I get a good laugh everytime I read them.
LorettaAnn

Posted 2 years ago #
Peter Lawrence
Member

OK, it looks like it's my turn again. I can see you people embracing this yet.
Thanks Loretta! I will be watching out for green men.

Well four pastors of four very successful big churches decided to get together each week to pray together.

While praying on one occassion one of the pastors decided it was good to confess his sins as scripture says confess your sins to one another.

He proceeded to share he has a significant problem with gambling. Each Sunday after the offering is taken he heads down to the club and plays the poker machines.

The other pastors moved by his confession began to pray for him.

A second pastor begins to confess.
He says he has a problem with lustful thoughts. He is trying to bring it under control but it is a big struggle.

The other pastors duly pray for him.

A third pastor begins to confess. He has a problem with alcohol he shares. The previous Sunday he was a little tipsy while sharing at the meeting and he needs help and prayer in this area.

All pastors again duly pray for him.

Then it was the fourth pastor's turn to confess, but there was only silence.

One of the pastors then turned to him and said, Brother we have confessed our sins, don't be ashamed, share with us.

The fourth pastor rose to his feet and turning to all the other pastors said.

I have a big problem with gossip, and I can't wait to get out of here!

Posted 2 years ago #
wakarusaguy
Member

The pastor's sermon had been on the text that faith no bigger than a mustard-seed could move mountains.

As Deacon Jones drove home he mulled over Jesus' words. "I have at least that much faith," he thought. "I'll prove it tonight. That little hill across the road has always blocked my view of the lake, and my faith is great enough to move mountains: I'll remove that hill !"

As he went in his house, he looked at the offending hill with one last, smug glance. He slept that night secure in the knowledge the hill would be gone in the morning.

As soon as he woke up, he rushed to his front door and opened it. The hill sat where it always had, and Deacon Jones stared at it glumly.

"Yeah," he said to himself, "Just as I thought."

Posted 2 years ago #
Peter Lawrence
Member

A man died and went to heaven with Saint Peter meeting him at those pearly gates.

St. Peter said to the man, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in."

"Okay" the man says, "I attended church every Sunday"
"That's good, says St. Peter, " that's worth two points"

"Two points?" he says. "Well, I gave 10% of all my earnings to the church"
"Well, let's see," answers Peter, "that's worth another 2 points. Did you do anything else?"

"Two points? Golly. How about this: I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."
"Fantastic, that's certainly worth a point, " he says.

"hmmm...," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart."
"That's wonderful," says St. Peter, "that's worth three points!"

"THREE POINTS!!" the man cries, "At this rate the only way I get into heaven is by the grace of God!"

"Come on in!"

Posted 2 years ago #
marilynk
Member

Don't know any jokes, but those were very funny Peter and all. Marilyn

Posted 2 years ago #
Jacob Waldrop of Alabama
Member

I was eating at a Chinese buffet last week and I was pressed to ask a waitor if there were any Chinese Jews.

He told me, "Hold on. I'll go ask."

and ran off to the back.

I heard some conversation in the back between he and another worker in the kitchen area.

He came back out and said, "Sorry, only apple jews and orange jews."

Posted 2 years ago #
Jacob Waldrop of Alabama
Member

What did Adam and Eve do after being kicked out of the Garden?

They raised Cain.

Posted 2 years ago #
Tedelmipro
Member

THE 23RD CHANNEL (instead of the 23rd Psalm)

The TV is my shepherd, I shall want.

It makes me lie down on the sofa.

It leads me away from the Scriptures.

It destroys my soul.

It leads me in the path of sex and violence,

for the sponsor's sake.

Yea, though I walk in the shadow of my

Christian responsibilities,

there will be no interruption,

For the TV is with me.

It's cable and remote, they control me.

It prepares a commercial before me in

the presence of worldliness;

It anoints my head with Humanism,

My coveting runneth over.

Surely laziness and ignorance shall

Follow me all days of my life:

And I shall dwell in the house

Watching TV forever.

~Author Unknown

Posted 2 years ago #
Tedelmipro
Member

They're Back! Those Wonderful Church Bulletins!

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services (Summer, 2007 Release).

----------------------------------------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
----------------------------------------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on Water.' The sermon tonight:'Searching for Jesus.'
-------------------------------- --------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
----------------------------------------------------------
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
----------------------------------------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
---------------------------------------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
---------------------------------------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
----------------------------------------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
------------------------------ ----------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
----------------------------------------------------------
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: 'Break Forth Into Joy.'
---------------------------------------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
---------------------------------------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. 'Music' will follow.
----------------- ---------------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
---------------------------------------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
---------------------------------------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
---------------------------------------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person
You want remembered.
---------------------------------------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
---------------------------- ---------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
---------------------------------------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
----------------------------------------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
---------------------------------------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. Is done.
----------------------------------------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
------ --------------------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
---------------------------------------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
----------------------------------------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
---------------------------------------------------- ------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan
Last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours'

Posted 2 years ago #
marilynk
Member

Woo Hoo, found a joke!
"Knowledge" is knowing a tomato is a fruit; "wisdom" is knowing not to put that tomato in a fruit salad..

Posted 2 years ago #
mark and susan
Inactive

A man died and met St Peter at the gate. Would you like a tour? asked Peter. Sure, said the man. Peter led the man down a long hall with many doors. They stopped at the first door and Peter opened it and said with a whisper, There is the Penticostals, he closed the door quietly and went to the next door. Peter said in a whisper, Here are the Baptists, as he opened the door. Quietly Peter closed that door, and went to the next. The man was confused. Peter whispered and said, this is the last one i'll show you. He quietly opened the last door and whispered, here are some non-denominationals. Peter shut the last door, and lead the man back to the pearly gate. Why did we have to whisper? He asked Peter. Each group thinks they are the only ones here.
Susan

Posted 2 years ago #
Randall
Member

I like what is called "Don't mess around with Children" jokes - here are a few -

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.

The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'

The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.
---------------
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'

The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'
-------------------
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'
-------------------
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

'Take only ONE . God is watching.'

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'

Posted 2 years ago #
Peter Lawrence
Member

Barack Obama was walking down the street one day and was tragically hit by a truck and died. His soul arrived in heaven and was met by Saint Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see Presidents around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says Barack.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says Obama.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes
down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a great time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell hug and waves goodbye while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St.

Peter is waiting again for Barack.
"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the President joining a group of contented souls
moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.

They have a wonderful time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter again returns.

"Well, then, you 've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now its time to choose your eternity."

Barack Obama reflects for a minute, then he answers:
"Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell with all my friends."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren hot wasteland covered with garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in filthy rags, some being tormented by demons, others picking up stinking rubbish which continually falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and snaringly welcomes Obama back.
Obama stammers out "I don't understand,". "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, and drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends are tormented and look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looked at him wryly and smiles saying, “Ah Barack, you remember how it works, Yesterday we were only campaigning.
But today you voted for us.”

Posted 2 years ago #
wholeheart
Member

Wow! That was a good one. Peter, I've missed your comments. I appreciated reading your outlook on where we are and what is coming--world overview.

Posted 2 years ago #
Peter Lawrence
Member

Thank you very much Wholeheart. You know I greatly appreciate your comments to.

Have you heard about the man who never believed in God and found himself standing over a cliff with the ground giving way causing him to fall.

As he was falling off the cliff he managed to grab hold of a vine on the way down.

Desperately he clung to the vine and 1000 feet below him was nothing but sharp big rocks.

He had never prayed before but as he was all alone he thought now was a good time.

Desperately he cried out to God. "God if you are real, please help me"

Suddenly a booming voice came back, "Son, I hear you, trust me, let go"

Bewildered the man asked again, but the booming voice again said, "Son, trust me let go"

The man thought for a moment, then he said "Is there anybody else up there"

Posted 2 years ago #

RSS feed for this topic

12…4 Next »